Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
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Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
grotesque if literal: baby food
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
Kentucky names the shit out of places
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*