DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
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Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken