Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
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pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
won’t smith
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?