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[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
fired
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
[shakes fist at other fist]
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.