Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
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ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
me, too, girl. me, too.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.