Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
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Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
According to math, I’m broke
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.