hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
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I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*