Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
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When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.