give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
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For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it