no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
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I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
This is my emotional support knife.
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge