I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
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I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.