Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
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And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then