Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
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Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy