Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
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*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
My biological clock is wheezing.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy