Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
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Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
getting groceries
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
.
.
.
.
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time