HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
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“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..