To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
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I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
just gave your address to some spiders
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.