My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
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My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”