“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
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A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance