If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
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I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
some things should go without saying
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
#dnd #ttrpg
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.