America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
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DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
Legend 🤣🤣
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out