[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
You Might Also Like
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger