I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
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The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
Do not steal food from the science building!
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”