I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
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Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move