Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
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“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.