Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
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I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when itβs my time.
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their βgirlfriendsβ all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly βinviting my boyfriends over to smashβ is βinappropriateβ???
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
Someone just called me the GOAT. Thatβs what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
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MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Ok Iβve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.