It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
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WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
🤭😂
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
The point of your 20s
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS