Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
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*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
Happy Taco Tuesday
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
nyc:
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.