cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
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NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
Every work call, he judges.
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.