Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
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People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER