Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
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“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
Somebody’s lying.
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free