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Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
This is painfully accurate 😅
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.