Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
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What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict