If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
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I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.