There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
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Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
Simple
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!