The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
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her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you