I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
You Might Also Like
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
Succinctly put.
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering