I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
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E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?