*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
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Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
Time heals everything 🙂
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots