Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
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Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
Facebook marketplace is a different world
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.