DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
You Might Also Like
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit