If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
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Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
*sewing*
A thread
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget