Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
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DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
grotesque if literal: baby food
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
I have a type: disappointing
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
watergate? u mean a dam??
no such thing as a dumb question
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
I love wikipedia