If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
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Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?