[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
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“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
I’ve decided to stop wearing a very comfortable maternity romper I love. I figure it’s finally time, now that I’m 84 months postpartum.
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
Jail
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”