Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
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[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”