Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
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Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.