if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
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Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
My wife gives the best headache.
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.