Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
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Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.