I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
You Might Also Like
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join